Webyonic Diaries

January 2 2010, I thought this year will be the best year for me. But unfortunately, it starts with a terrible situation. It happen on a Saturday morning, my head is heavy and It felt stupid to get up in bed. Losing my temper and I pass out. Started my own war in our own house. I hit my father with my own bare hands. He also replied it by hitting me back. My younger brother was there and without hesitation join the crowd. My mom cried, shouting asking for help. But nobody dare to join our small scandal. We were like kids quarreling for a single toy.  And suddenly, I accidentally grab the scissor in the study table. And tried to stab my own younger brother and my poor father. But luckily I am out numbered three to one, so I failed. My wife is holding our baby while crying and helpless. Lately local police arrived. They ask me nicely to go with them to avoid unnecessary damages. As usual,  just like the old days, I go with them silently. So, I was again smoking behind bars.

This time I have two choices, cooperate with them or else I have to face a charge of attempted parricide for trying to stab my younger brother and father with a piece of scissor. My wife beg me to cooperate with them for the sake of our daughter Eila. Indeed I cooperate with them, I ask forgiveness for what I have done. I did not notice the tears falling in my face when I talk to them. My family decided to put me into a psychiatric therapy. This is not the first time to see a psychiatrist. I myself  had seen a psychiatrist before because of these weird and unusual surroundings and weird voices. My doctor and I talk a lot, He gave me prescribed drugs to help me. He said that I suffer acute  schizophrenia. Well I was not surprised. Even myself knew there was something wrong with me. My problem is how to determine rational and irrational. If  I only know which of them, then I can go rest in peace.

Ever since I was troubled with my situation. First is the voices I heard. Second is those people surround me. When my doctor ask me why I am troubled with this voices? For me, It felt like these people are reading my mind and my thoughts. And these people surround me when I talk and hangout with them always contradict to those voices I heard. I am troubled because it felt like I was rape and helpless seeking for truth and justice. And it ended in diagnosing an illness called acute schizophrenia or most commonly known as beautiful minds. The big difference is I am not genius or a professor in a known university.

New Year is approaching, like everyone else hoping for a good harvest this coming 2010. Before this year 2009 will be completely replace, I would like to thank you all, for sharing your life with me. I thank God first, for all the blessings I receive this past few years. I want to share you something how magnificent God, he is. Honestly, despite of my weakness, mistakes I realize God send his blessings each day. Those blessings include you, by disguising it.

There are two kinds of person playing different role in my life. One is good for me and the other one is bad. But in God’s eyes we are all equal. We are all victim of corruption. For me earth is just a playground for us to gain knowledge and wisdom. Now I understand why God let those people try to destroy me by any means. Praying several times to protect me from them still no answers from him. Then I realize how come he answer my prayers if the question I ask him is the answer itself.

Just reading my blogs, makes people think I’m a hater. I hate politics, I hate my neighbor, I hate business, I hate every thing, that makes them hate me. I hate these not because I have less in life compared to them. Sounds like envy, jealousy, which is far from reality. By hating in return, leave a big question what makes the difference between me and you?

While writing this blog, It is my soul who is speaking, not my mouth which is part of my body. Body is easily corrupted by evil. Some of you might said, AL is only good in speaking, but in reality he act like a caveman shouting. Reality bites, it’s true… It is because I am infected.. But with God’s grace, he himself stop the disease from spreading. A shield to prevent my soul being taken. I know this is just a beginning of transformation. In retrieving our body from being captured by sin, We need each other. I need you more than how much you need me. Hoping that conflict, pride, self interest and principles will be set aside for our real cause and purpose why we are here..

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL …..

Download Immortality

Judge By It’s Cover

Lately I was again disturbed by these alarm clock. This time, it’s a different kind of  model. (Male, Respectable, politician, they called themselves religious, and old enough) that was the label of a certain alarm clock.

First I would like you to know how brave, strong, angry, stupid, coward I am, just like you’ve said in sarcastic manner. There are times that they question my capacity as a man. In fact most of them insult my intelligence. My pride has been pressured very often, makes my heart full of scars.

I always thought, did God gave me these gifts or these people made me of who I am now? I am talking about, feelings, reading faces, observant , paranoid, tantrums. I really wonder why I am good at it, but not all the time. Then I realize, it is because I was perfectly trained. My world (world of paranoia) is my training field and my mentors (those annoying bastards helping me to become a paranoid) are those people surrounds me. Either cheap, expensive second rate, made in china alarm clock.

Let me entertain you with my little presentation. The questions used was taken from a certain poll survey in WWW.

: “kailangan pa bang baliktarin ang mundo para maging matino ang tao?”

Answer: An open minded person can not do that…..Unless he/she aim for his/her own intentions. Like I’ve said in my previous post. Factors usually associated with religion, politics, law and social relation. That often give us different conclusion.

Opinion: No one can say he or she is good since you are still alive. The road is still long and lot of annoying bastards along the way. Good news is God sent his only son Jesus to bring the message of love.  Like Warren said to his book about the message. “Our only purpose in life as a christian is to follow Jesus”. By following him is a lifetime commitment and painstaking. There is no assurance in life that you are incorruptible and free from sin. If someone stumble, as a Love follower our only task is to guide him, not to block and judge his way. Because we are still far to the finish line. Only God has the power to judge us. And who knows, those who stumble a hundred meters away might win because he learned a lot from that fall.

The question is do I have to remind this? Since it is very common to all religion preaching all about. Problem is, all of us think we are  good and them is bad. If someone surpass his/her pride, that is the time we raise our voice and showing off our strength and capacity. Okay I admit, like what I did, but not only me that includes you and everyone. I am sick and tired because we all do this all the time. If Santa Clause have a chance to ask me what present I want for this Christmas. I would ask him to gather all of us, each have a chance to express his/her anger, thoughts, ideas, opinion including myself. And analyze what would be the best option for all of us. Hoping that I will not be left alone wondering what is the issue all about. A big deal for me to move on and start a new life. If these will happen maybe those alarm clock in my surroundings will be minimized. And it will gain back my respect to myself and to others.

Dead bodies of the  Maguindanao massacre victims lead the world to the state of shock. Not just because of the brutal killings, but it is because it happened in the Philippines. At shock and did not expected that there are still savages and barbarians left in our country.

During election Maguindanao is hot not only to the voters, but also to the politician. Maguindanao was called as one of the candidate’s dream. It is because the voters in Maguindanao can be easily manipulate by their leaders. Just like last election. Gloria Arroyo out-numbered Fernando Poe Jr while Pampilo Lacson got zero votes during that election.  So if you have Maguindanao’s blessings as a politician definitely it would make a difference.

Maguindanao has two powerful clan, Mangudadatu and Ampatuan, keep on ruling from generation to generation. The rivals of the two clan results into a massacre of the innocent people.

According to the news Ampatuan was accused as responsible for the brutal massacre in Maguindanao. But do you think it all stop to Ampatuan? As we know that there are politician who wish to have an absolute power this coming election and Maguindanao’s blessings was his concern. Not only the two clan is responsible for  Maguindanao’s conflict. But also those politicians exercising there power, racing who among them is tough and claim the throne as prize…..

The two clan now looks like a puppet. Each of them cannot move without guidance of its master…….

Now where should we start? If we want peace in the promise land…….

OBSERVATION:

The world was shocked by these barbaric killings in Maguindanao. As an ordinary person I am really scared. Scared because I can’t afford to imagine that this massacre will happen. Before where ever I go, I feel secured. Maybe it is because I am too confident. Confident enough, to think that these people now a days have no chance to succeed in there evil ways. The reasons are, I thought today’s technology will help educate us improve our understanding, open mindedness and upgrading our senses towards life by means of spiritual and intellectual.

A lot of questions left to the viewer’s about the true motive of brutal massacre in Maguindanao. Since the victims and accused was both had political background, that lead us to another political killing issues.

Let us review first the past activities related to the Maguindanao politics……

CONFLICT STARTED:

Their ties were severed when the Mangudadatus purportedly blocked the creation of the Adam municipality to be culled from the towns that they control in the south eastern tip of the province. It was also said that the proposed town did not meet the population required by law.

Adam is reportedly the name of the deceased father of Supt. Piang Adam, who had retired as police provincial director of Maguindanao early this year. The police officer is said to be loyal to the elder Ampatuan and to his son Mayor Datu Andal Ampatuan Jr. of Datu Unsay municipality.

As Adam and his relatives began establishing residency in Pandag town in the political territory of the Mangudadatus, he reported an incident of attack in late July 2009 by armed men, during which a close kin of the retired officer was killed. Subsequent police pursuit operations had some of the Mangudadatu followers disarmed.

HUMORS & OPINION:

When the Mangudadatu’s announced their plan to run for governor in Maguindanao, the Ampatuan are upset. Several threats has been receive by the Mangudadatu’s warning them if they are going to continue filing for candidacy. The said humors spread in the media world. Either the Mangudadatu’s ask help the media to accompany them to file candidacy, using media as human shield. Expecting, that these gunmen will respect them. But too late to realize their mistakes.

The massacre in Maguindanao was neatly planned, the backhoe near the grave sites is simple indication of another scheme. Supposedly these people responsible for the killings would be successful in hiding the evidence, but because of the interruptions, the only left behind was their signs of brutality.

Medical Terms

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions). Although the acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and come across to others as psychotic, OCD sufferers often recognize their thoughts and subsequent actions as irrational, and they may become further distressed by this realization. And is often used in an informal or caricatured manner to describe someone who is meticulous, perfectionistic, absorbed in a cause, or otherwise fixated on something or someone. Although these signs may be present in OCD, a person who exhibits them does not necessarily have OCD, and may instead have obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), an autism spectrum disorder or some other condition. The faces of OCD can range from difficulty with uneven numbers to nervous habits such as opening a door and closing it four times before one leaves it either open or shut.

Personal Evaluation

I accidentally found OCD meaning in wikipedia while searching for other words synonym to obsession, paranoid, compulsive behavior, psychotic. By reading It several times to satisfy and evaluate myself, if I was already hit by this kind of disorder. Asking myself a few question where, why and how it is possible. There are times in my past related to the causes of such disorder. One of these is the effect of excessive use of drugs. Another one is the withdrawal period. And there are also evidence that can link myself to obsession and paranoia. Based on gathered facts, symptoms and analysis, it concluded that I am a prospect.

Conspiracy Theory

What if, there are people who will take advantage of the situation. Although it is true that I am a drug user. But with their intentions and motive they can drive myself into something which is far in reality. And who among you believe and listen to a former addict compared to respectable, professional, influential person in society?

Society Issues

Usually people love to comment. Specially when it involve what is wrong and what is right. Talking to someone’s private life and make it public. Some criticize the action of others. The most encountered words are WHY DID HE DO THAT? and HE DIDN’T DO IT, WHY?

These are now common in our society. You will never notice it unless you are the topic. But for the others, it is only a common thing for them. Each individuals has their own interpretation regarding the situation. Factors usually associated with religion, politics, law and social relation. That often gives a different conclusion.

So What’s the Catch?

The keyword is, do we have to jump into conclusion without enough information? Do we have to make a judgment without gathering  facts ? And unjust criticism? Even if it’s not mandatory by law but can we just make it a habit and invest it for the next generation?

Sunday morning, I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock. How I wish I can turn it off to stop terrorizing the surroundings. The amplitude of its sound generated irritates me a lot. Just hoping for a little amplification to minimize the noise. To warn the public about this CHEAP alarm clock, I personally posted a picture above. Well honestly the similarity is almost 75 percent based on a poll survey. The rest 25 percent can be included in mechanical error and image processing.

Oh my! I am talking again about my neighbor. I don’t think this is appropriate to discuss and blog about your own neighbor. Promoting her next concert as Asia’s new song bird! However, I am a very lenient person so I am going to advertise her for free! With out any compensation, Wow isn’t that great? Is that a good idea to repay my neighbor for her concern?

Let us call here Mrs. Pr,biuda y de bombay. She is loved by those people who owe her a money. Mrs. Pr, biuda y de bombay also has a complex personality. A politician wannabe, old widowed lady. And she is also one of the finest self centered personality in my place. Others might not recognize it or just ignore it because of her age and contribution to the society, that counted as one of the attitude founders and tradition holders that passed generation by generation here in the Philippines. Huh! that is the reason why they didn’t see it.

This morning while I try to fix my slow broadband connection, I was browsing until I found this picture on the web. While looking every details of the picture, I was happy and sad. Happy because, once again I saw my dream floating, sleeping like a baby on a calm sea. Sad because the picture only reminds me how my dreams drifted away.  The vessel is m/v Asphalt Trader, a tanker vessel which main route is in the caribbean. She’s old, but seaworthy. Other vessel wonder, how the officers and crew able to maintain it’s seaworthiness. The answer is, it was maintained by filipino worker’s including me. Yes, It’s true I was one of the crew of asphalt trader for two month’s. There are 21 worker’s on board the vessel, only three foreigners the rest are filipino. Our captain is greek, electrician is cuban, fitter is romanian.

My life on board was adventure, I met new friends and I learned new things. There are lot of struggles on board, too many to mention. Even though I had a 3rd mate license, but lack of experience, then it’s difficult. At that time I really try my best, but I always failed. I am not smart but it doesn’t mean I am stupid. There are lot of issues I really want to correct, however I don’t want to disrespect the old dog’s. Old dog’s are officer’s or a crew growing old in this kind of profession.

There was a time when our vessel is going to dock. That was my first time engaged in a docking procedure on board. Chief mate now ordered the boatswain to deploy us in a ground tackle. The same time bosun help me familiarize the area. While the captain is in the bridge navigating, chief mate is waiting for his command in the forecastle. Suddenly captain gave his first order and was received by chief mate. Then chief mate pass the order to us. The crew in a ground tackle is not well organize. Since I am new I don’t know where to start. So what I did, I went to the windlass area and take my post. When Chief mate ordered to drop anchor, I try to pull down the lever, but stuck. The problem is, the vessel is approaching to a port and I need to pull it down to drop the anchor before it’s too late. Shouting was my first option, chief mate ran towards me, take my post, UNLOCK the safety pin and pulled down the lever. Save by the bell the anchor was dropped. I was full of shame at that time, gossip spread with the speed test of 10MB. A 3rd mate license who don’t know how to operate windlass. My life on board was changed just because of that UNLOCK PIN. Well honestly that was my first time I saw huge windlass so how come I know the exact location of the safety pin. During my apprentice in domestic tramping vessel, there are no safety pin. In fact other vessel don’t have a windlass, only by hand. That was mistakes I’ve  learned, an honest mistake.

Last few months I really don’t have any idea about the word “BLOGOSPHERE”. As a newbie my attention was focus on online games and geeky softwares. Until a certain forum showing, boasting their own blog and it caught my attention. Then I said, maybe I can do that and I think it’s not too late for me to start. While starting my own blog. I am searching for the right host and theme for my blog, but unfortunately the best one for me always have the prize. Lately a private message was sent by a friend told me the news regarding the upcoming contest hosted by JAYPEE ONLINE. There are lot of prizes like Pro Plus All-Theme Package from StudioPress, 1 Year Freedom Plan Hosting from WP Web Host, $25 Cash via PayPal from JaypeeOnline, 1 Year Hosting w/ Free Domain from DreamHost courtesy of Jehzeel Laurente and many more. Being optimistic drives me to join this contest, I hope it help. Thanks to Webstrega for the info.

Check this out!!!

PRIZES AT STAKE:
1st Prize
Pro Plus All-Theme Package from StudioPress ($199.95)
Single Theme License from Pro Theme Design ($79)
Single Theme License from Press75 ($75)
Single Theme License from WP Zoom ($49)
1 Year Theme Club Membership from Elegant Themes ($19.95)
1 Year Hosting w/ Free Domain from DreamHost courtesy of Jehzeel Laurente
$50 Cash via PayPal from Jehzeel Laurente

2nd Prize
Single Theme License from Pro Theme Design ($79)
Single Theme License from Press75 ($75)
Single Theme Package from StudioPress ($59.95)
Single Theme License from WP Zoom ($49)
1 Year Freedom Plan Hosting from WP Web Host ($80)
$25 Cash via PayPal from JaypeeOnline

3rd Prize
Single Theme License from Pro Theme Design ($79)
Single Theme Package from StudioPress ($59.95)
Single Theme License from WP Zoom ($49)
Single Theme Licenses from WP Now ($29)
1 Year Freedom Plan Hosting from WP Web Host ($80)
$10 Cash via PayPal from JaypeeOnline

Consolation Prizes
Single Theme Package from StudioPress ($59.95)
Single Theme Licenses from WP Now ($29)

SPONSORS:

1. StudioPress
2. Pro Theme Design
3. Press 75
4. WP Zoom
5. WP Now
6. Elegant Themes
7. WP WebHost
8. Jehzeel Laurente
9. Batang Yagit

So what are you waiting for? GO NOW you might be LUCKY!!!!

There are times that I was truly confused about a situation. A kind of situation which options are hidden away from me. Either I was too stupid not to realize and see the answers or It was meant to be invisible. There are lot of questions that keep on bothering  me. That sometimes lead me to unnecessary actions. That is why I want to share you my problem, hoping that someone might share his/her opinion and idea. To make it short, since I only have a few English vocabulary left in my head. And I am sorry about the grammar, lot of comments  about misspelled and grammar usage to my previous post. I’m sorry that’s all I’ve  got, but I tried.

Wherever I go, It felt like everybody knows me. And there is something they want me to do or to know, that I must. Please don’t laugh because it really happened. I still consider myself rational. I can feel and analyze some of it. Based only on there words and movement. I admit that I am no good in dealing with people. I am no good when it comes to back fighting. That is why I really hate it because I don’t want to keep on thinking about it. It will only make my temper arise.

The dilemma is everyone knows me deep inside and out. They know something in my past that I don’t know. They always feed me bit by bit  of information  about that past through gossip. Which keep me troubled and badly curious about it.  I want to  forget it, but they always keep on reminding me. They want me to keep on the track wondering. Wherever I go, I was annoyed by these people keep on destructing my emotion. Since they know me very well they have the power. I am already anxious and they know that. I don’t know where to park myself because every where I go I can’t afford to tolerate the abnormal environment. I named it abnormal environment because everybody are acting not normal towards me. I don’t know how to elaborate it further. As an example here in my place, I have a neighbor who always nag to death. For me that was normal and she is nothing. The only thing that keeps on annoying me was she always did it with intentions. She knows something that I don’t know and she use her nagging technique to keep me destructive emotionally. Another example was when I took the course Computer Hardware Servicing in my place. And since I live in a small town all of us in the class know each other. As usual the same problem, again they have the advantage to hit me below the belt. They know what are my weaknesses. What makes me turn on and off. All of these lies in there hands.  These happened not only in my place, town, but anywhere. A typical person can control and can manipulate now my emotion. And who am I to resist and anticipate it. With a mix of failures, pride, health problems, law, society etc., molded me into a complex restless wonderer on earth.

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO SHARE YOUR OPINION